Wide awake Nightmare

I watched (from afar) as he went from one bar to another. He had been doing so well. What….?  Why now?   It felt odd watching him as if I were the one in the wrong, but it wasn’t me taking the path not meant to be traveled, it was him. I wondered what his excuse would be when he came home. I watched and I  waited,  for what I don’t know.

The longer the night went on the more I knew it wasn’t going to be good. Never before had I ever thought he would betray me, he’s so against cheating. He doesn’t understand when his acquaintances, friends , even family members  choose to , to uh, well– to fuck somebody else besides your wife/husband. We always agreed; cheating means divorce, there is no other way to say it, cheating says goodbye, adios, later gator, go to hell.

So, if I never thought he would ever cheat, wander, falter- why did I know, why was I watching and waiting? (You caught that, didn’t you?) I had been watching for a few months at this point. Watching him ” go to “Home Depot” when his truck indicated he was   somewhere else. At this point, I never had seen hotels, random houses or anything of the sort enter the picture. I would just see his work truck in places he didn’t tell me he was going. Maybe Ten miles east of home or work instead of five miles west, as he said he would be.

My stomach began to tighten, I just knew, and  I can’t explain it; when you know, you know. I had   been feeling this way for a while  that something was going on and I was  pretty  sure I knew who it might be. The thing is, for the longest time I didn’t really sweat it. I was sure that “since he is such an honest man that when it actually happens, he will come to me and tell me.” He will be filled with remorse, shame, sorrow and fear. I really felt , as I watched him play single, this is the time when things will get better.

He will come to me filled with sadness, remorse, shame and in need of forgiveness.  I will tell him how much he has disappointed me, tell him it’s time to change, stop the off and on drinking, be the dad; patient, loving. Leave it to Beaver, dad. Come home to your perfect, kind -hearted, patient, wife. Look at your children, announce that their father has turned over a new leaf, he will now be accompanying the family to church, be involved at church, it’s time to thank your perfect wife and children for waiting so patiently for their wayward husband/father.

Welcome home husband. Welcome home!

It didn’t go like that at all. He came home with an “I’m hot shit” attitude and didn’t even know that I was aware of what had transpired over the weekend when he was spending his precious weekend hours, spare  hours working so hard to make better our dream home. He felt safer here, at our home away from home. Why not? It’s five  hours away from our full-time home.

After watching all night long, sleeping not one bit, literally, I did the good Christian girl thing, I got dressed for church, got in the car and drove my good little self to church. My girls were camp counselors so they were not home, which I think was perfect timing. On my way to church, I prayed, I begged and I prayed. I don’t even remember what I said to God. But I do know it was heart- felt, sincere. I sat through church service, did my volunteer with the childrens’ group and nearly ran to my car to get the hell out of  there when it was all over. The reality was settling in on me and I needed out.

Waiting for him to come home was even more grueling than watching him party all night. It was awful.

Did I mention to you it was Mother’ s Day? Never before had he missed any kind of celebration or holiday. He wasn’t that cold hearted.

When he finally arrives home at 7:00 pm, he walks into the house with a grin on his face like a boy that just had sex for the first time, he was trying desperately to not smile. I could tell, we’ve been married 20 plus years. He hands me a card, a Mother’s Day card that you would buy at the gas station or a 7-11, I had never received such a crappy card either.  Friends, I’m going to be honest, … I desperately wanted to take the knife that was in my hand (cooking dinner) and plunge his eyes out, cut the  lips off his face as he stood there, grinning. My insides were shaking, I could say nothing, ab-so-lut-ly  nothing. He had no idea I watched him play all night.

I looked at him, smiled ( I know, right?) “Thank you, honey. Are you hungry?”