To be fair, I was on one of my slides downward, a depression mixed with anger. Because my H refuses to read my mind, he had no idea that I was playing over and over in my thoughts all of the whats, whens, hows and whys” of this affair that has yet to be confessed.
(In case the reader is asking why I continually remind myself, and you, the reader, why this affair has not been admitted to or addressed, I do so because I believe it is an essential reason why I have yet to begin the proper healing.)
So, was I offended by his announcement that I was scaring him, losing my mind? NO, because quite frankly, I was afraid too. Hell, I still am afraid. I obsess, go through days when I can think of nothing but….. Where is he going/what is he doing… or should I have said who is he really doing?
I have done some off the wall, out of character things for myself. I check the phone log, often. I “follow” A LOT. I read his face all the time when he talks. Speaking of “read” I’ve purchased books on how to tell when someone is lying. The kicker, okay, kickers…… I called a psychic AND; I called a PI. There. I said it; I am so desperate that I am leaving My God, my Hope, My only Rock, out of this entire equation. That, ^^^^ more thank likely is the reason for my mental health deteriorating.
I am feeding the fire by entertaining the unknown. I am imagining my H laughing AT me, making fun that I am gullible and naive. My mind plays these scenes for me in which he meets “her” and they talk about me, giggling because they are getting over on me, while they have over the top, out of control, steamy-hot sex sessions.
So, just as this post is up and down, down and up, so are my emotions, This is the reason my H made a comment regarding my mental health; I don’t blame him. Unfortunately, my feelings are worn on my sleeve for all to see.
New International Version Jeremiah 33:3
Psalm 120:1 English Standard Version
In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me.