Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Hate. Intense HATE

Oh, yes, yes indeed.
The hate you have triggered in me leaves me practically speechless.
Today- I believe you’ve made a mistake. HUGE.
Enjoy your FAT, very FAT, lover. Enjoy your new children that you will inherit. Yes, that skank of yours has children, remember? The Skank you and the other “men” in our community have fucked.
Enjoy starting over. The dumbest mistake you’ve ever made? Allowing me complete control of the money is our personal AND business life.
Dumb Ass.

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Another Check-In

Hello, Dear Ones,

Wanted to do another check-in. All is well, the same.  As is, we live our lives accordingly.

Went to the Vaca home last weekend, rode the ATV’s, found the hidden lakes  we’ve been looking for on/off for the last few years.

He went to fish behind the house one evening, I prayed like hell if visiting her H would come home. ( He drives  uber, lift, taxi) something like that. He came home, driving that taxi.   I held my breath, I waited. I strained my ears to ear yelling, screaming, punching sounds, gunshots.

Nothing.

We spent the rest of the weekend doing yard work and such, the stuff you do on weekends. Annnnd, not much to write home about. I suspect he is waiting me out? Don’t know, whada you think?

Even the suspected one here, think sleeza might be put on the back burner. Heck, I have no idea.

I know I “shook” him “up” when I refused to go home with him. I don’t know if he was afraid I would drop his cover or lose me.

For now, it’s quiet. It’s him moving, acting, being quiet. It’s me, acting as if I trust the calm.

 

xoxo friends xoxo

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Checking in

My friends, I thank you, for your emails and texts of concern. You know, living life as a BS it’s never changing yet all the same at the end of the day.

In other words, who knows what will come next.

My H claims to be distraught, torn apart, depressed, discouraged and fearful of what will come next. (Welcome, H, to my world). He claims my refusal to leave with him devastated him in ways he has never known before. He claims not to understand how could I  ever doubt his love and faithfulness for me, from him.

Had I not spied on him, had I not seen his movements or heard some of them he very well could have had me suckered into his speech of undying love. But, I know.  As I listened to him claim his faithfulness, I thought to myself, perhaps he is speaking in future terms, knowing that I, his “only love” was almost lost.

Who knows?!

For now, I take the strength gained from our time apart, hold it under my belt and wait. Wait and gather. Gather money and time.

xoxo

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

I used the time apart

from one another to pray. To pray and to pray. I needed guidance. I need peace. I needed HOPE. Hope that I would finally be able to gain and hold control of my life.

Does that make sense?

Not control, as in controlling somebody else, but control as in having a say. Having a say in “should I stay or should I go?” Having a say in… just effing life!

And, I did, I gained the “  control” back.

I shouldn’t even use the word control  because it has NOTHING to do with my writings.

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

I said I was and I did…

stay behind.

He awoke Sunday morning to find me on the couch. As he sleepily stumbled out from the bed, in search of coffee he asked half confused what I was doing on the couch.

I did NOT make the quiet, calm and in control speech that I had planned and rehearsed for five hours, beginning at 12:30 am.

Saturday, the day before I could feel the tension building (in him) he was beginning to pace around the house a bit, looking out the window from the back of our home. If you get the right window, the right view, you can see the home of the woman I’ve accused him of cheating with, oh yeah sorry, and her husband.

It’s the strangest thing, I could hear him thinking, trying to talk himself out of it, trying to convince himself to stay home. By now I know the schedule of this newly married couple and her husband was due to leave in just about twenty minutes or so. It was 2:18pm. Yes, of course, I remember.

I was pretending to re-arrange dishes in the cabinet as I watched him. He peeked to the back of the house, again. Stood. Stared, looking nowhere with his back to the floor to ceiling window. Took a deep breath and went downstairs.

I’ve mentioned before that this house has three floors not including the basement. He could easily leave the house and I would not know. Hell, I could easily leave the house and he would not know. And I did, to check to be sure her husband was or wasn’t there.

He was the first time and by the time I noticed H missing, he was not.

My H returned about 45 minutes later, smiling. Happy.

I said NOTHING. I pretended to not even noticed he was gone.

I would think any meetup between my H and her is purely sexual. I think they get a kick out of each other, each blowing up the other’s ego.

So, the next morning when my H came stumbling out of the bedroom, after him asking what was wrong, after four hours of rehearsing and mentally rewriting my speech to my H, one that made me sound resolute and in control, I yelled:” I’m not going home with you.”

“What?!”

“I am NOT leaving, I am not coming home with you. I need space, time to myself, I’m tired of your lies, you are sneaking around. I am NOT leaving. I will have one of the girls pick me up when I’m ready to leave. I am staying.

He was pissed.

I was feeling like a million bucks.

I will continue tomorrow to tell you how everything went.

xoxo