Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

I’m finding a common thread, a strange one

I’ve found something from reading our like blogs, I find it rather interesting.  If I were a therapist, even an author, I believe I would get to work and begin some sort of study.

Nearly every blog I’ve read thus far begin at three years out. 

Why?

What happens at three years that cause us to begin blogging?

I’ve also noticed every blog speaks of the pain, sadness, humiliation mostly in the past.

The blogs begin with a newfound rage and question: Why am I still effing here!!!!!!!

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

What I told my new friends today

Good morning, all.

The hows are hard to explain, it started with those gut feelings and then really, I opened my eyes. Sorry, Dear H, I’ve been raising those kids of OURS, taking them to youth groups, soccer practices, away soccer games. You know, all the crap you missed because I would encourage you to go away to do all those things you love, fishing, scuba diving, working out. I would encourage you because you were so uptight, stressed, and well, YOU MADE US MISERABLE.

So yes, I benefited from you being gone. It was a win win.

My H WAS a big drinker as time grew on, and I was done with him closing his ears and mind to my protests. So, I started praying. I prayed God would do ANYTHING to wake ,my H to what he was doing, ticket, accident, lose money, affair. Yes, I said affair, you know why? I didn’t think he would.

At that time, I believed my H truly loved me, and struggled with alcohol. I believed that if my H had an affair, it would have been a drunk, very drunk incident. I believed he would come crawling back to me. I believed he WOULD NEVER CHEAT.

There, I said it. I suck.

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

How can this be worse?

The day it happened I remember thinking to myself; Anything– A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G , but this, never will I feel ANYTHING like this; the death of a child. I was miserable; I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I hated every single person who smiled. I hated every single person who called, sent a card, brought food. In fact, I refused to answer the phone or the door.

Have I talked about this before? I can’t remember.

One friend, in fact, I’m not sure she was a friend, she was a work acquaintance. She was bold, loud, and dropped surprise attacks, you could be chatting nicely, and suddenly she would throw a zinger remark, and you would wonder, What the Hell?! Red hair, blood red, in that ringlet curly bob style (1993), God I wanted that hair.

Everyone was leaving these whiny, sad, droning messages on the machine, “oh how sad; I’m so sorry, please call…” To be fair, it’s nice,  I know. I just was pissed, and this wasn’t supposed to happen. Her message: ” Man, your days must be Fucked Up. I’m sorry, let’s drink.”

 

I thought: “That’s it! Thank you Kaarin, My days are Fucked up!” Seriously, I will never forget how much better I felt. I didn’t want to talk to these other people; I ended up trying to make them feel better, It made me feel pressured to be a good Christian lady and claim God knows what He is doing, I trust Him.

I think about that time of my life and how I thought I’d never get past that pain. It’s 25 years later, and I remember the process of it all… Going in to have a baby and leaving without anything in my hand but my purse. “How could he have died? He looks so perfect”; I thought as they took his lifeless body back from me. Even though he never took a breath and was born lifeless, they hand him to me to hold and name him, encouraged me to acknowledge that I did have a baby boy, I thought that was a strange statement. I didn’t know that people just don’t know how to deal with Stillborn deaths, do I mention she had a baby, do I forget she was pregnant?

Weeks, months move forward, and although I never forget, I don’t think daily about that part of life. I had children after; life kept happening.

So why now, why this? Why can’t I  get out of my head what I know, what he won’t admit, Hell… why can’t I get out of my head WHAT I DON’T KNOW that he won’t admit. Maybe that’s what I should be saying. Why now do I still think at least three or……. seven times a day do I think about this? Why does this feel the same if not worse as time goes on?

<Insert here ~ string of curse words that have I’ve become quite fluent in these past three years>

 

Be Well

 

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Why not me?

I read your blogs, nearly all of you speak of that dreadful  D-day, the pain, suffering, shock, and rage you experience. You speak of the tears, tantrums and “T-Truths. I long to be in your shoes. I long for a D-day, I wish I could have the tears and T-Truths.

Instead, I am handed denials, the shock I get in my relationship is shock from H, how could I think such a thing of him?! I get the standard Wayward spouse response, “I wish I could get it up as much as you think of me”, with laughter, fake laughter. I get the ” What happened to you, when did you become so insecure?” All the other gas-lighting lies that Wayward spouses spout.

As I’ve shared often, my H is a golden-child, one who got away with anything and everything. Me? I’m still handing him “Golden-Child Land”.

Courtesy of – Me, the BS.

 

Please, readers, if you could hear my tone you would know I’m not whining. “Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me” Its a joke for crying out loud.

 

Be Well,

 

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

I apologize

Dear Friends,

 

I must apologize, I’ve received several e-mails regarding my last post, and apparently, I owe an apology.

The dramatic good-byes, were simply ME, displaying what I felt would look like him, saying good-bye, good-bye to his good-boy image.

 

You know, he is one of several who have created a “good-boy, clean and fresh” image in the Public Eye. The one who so many admire, nearly serve, because He is so good, loving and pure.

 

So really, those good-byes were him, saying goodbye.

Goodbye

Perfect Man

Loving Man

Promise Keeping

Christian Man.

 

Enjoy the Sunday tomorrow

 

Church, Super bowl, FOOD! :)\

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

My Dear “Love” My Dear

Well, my Dear,

Apparently, you believe I am dumb, none for the worse, believe a good and wild fuck equals a wife who believes everything you say and every move you make will belong to the truth. The truth is…. yeah, I am a coward, NO , I am OCD, need concrete proof, but it IS coming.  April.  Wait.

 

.

 

 

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

I Go to the Rock

Please, may I have an ending to this hell, this humiliation and hell filled embarrassment. May I please, yes please, have result, ending, exposure along with some, some, some some  information, concrete proof of what my “husband” is doing on his short, little jaunts, to the market. PLEASE?!

I am a middle child. Look that one up. The second of Three girls, the one who will do ANYTHING to keep the peace. That is why my beloved H, who loves me so, very, dearly, who makes sure his sweet, darling wife has “it all”, and is taken care of, so taken care of that she wants for nothing, is safe, comfortable and warm.

I know he loves me, he truly does care, he feels for me and know’s every single insecurity, he knows every single pain I feel, BUT this poor “man” has no idea HOW to love, care or care for. He wants to, but can’t, because he has no id  ea HOW.

So, while being cheated on and lied to, this middle child feels sorry FOR, this man who has no idea how to love.

Wow – Just Wow.  Think: my great grandchildren will have this history to think back on and know, they will know that all this money, all these material things, came from a couple.  A couple who started off their marriage pregnant, only to lose that child they married for, in a stillborn death. Only to take on a blood child at 14 and her dear friend,  an abandoned  14-year-old girl, to try and give these two, young women the love they, themselves, did not have.

Only to be “abandoned” 2 years later by these two, young girls, who ran because of the rules.

This woman, this 53-year old woman, who is currently raising two, amazing young women who ARE her children, while being betrayed by her H and the “others”, remain as faithful as possible, to who/what? As possible? Just Faithful. Never have I or would I humiliate him.

I don’t know.

I’m just thankful, that in IT all, I am a Christian, a daughter of the one and only Creator, I am She, who tries to make sense of it all, make sense of all the betrayal from past, present and more than likely, the future.

She, Me, I, will always RUN back to my Creator, because He, The Creator Alone, will always be my Rock, My Comfort, My Hiding Place. He, The Creator, will Always be my God, My Hope, My Desire.

So,  readers, while once in a while I spout my foul-mouthed language, please know, I truly do have Hope, there are just days I need to spew, spew my anger, fear, and my confusion because I have yet to be rescued. Rescued from humiliation. Don’t worry, Creator, My Lord, He knows what I mean.

Until then…. I Go to the Rock

 

xoxo

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

You

I just want to say that I’m sure you “love” me, as much as you can. There is this part of me that feels sorry for you. I know you‘ve been raised, as the rest of your siblings have been raised, that you are important, you deserve what you desire.  In some ways, it’s sad because you, as in all four of you believe those words.  I’ve come to understand that all four of you, struggle with letting go of those beliefs.  All four of you know in your heart it’s selfish, but all four of you can’t let go. You can’t let go of the thought and belief that you, all four of you, are NOT the most important being in your relationships.

However, am finished with my part in this relationship, that is, a doormat.

You, on your own, asked for a polygraph. You, on your own, believed (in my thought) there was no such thing as or believed I would sigh a breath of relief.  Surely, if he offers such a crazy thing, he must be telling the truth. However, little do you know, there is such a thing, and a support group I belong, suggests just that… a polygraph.

Little, very little, do you know, that this weak ass, is a strong ass, and she, that is me, is prepared. Very prepared.

For what? Your game(s).

So, my love, my dear, my once desire and hope, you, must now know that it, is over, it, the game you hoped I was playing with you, has come to its end.  Strange, I feel it. I feel your desperate search for the continuance.

 

Somebody asked me, “why would he search FB for her if they are together?” My thought was you were just checking her out like I do my daughters, friends, and family.  I now see that she has cut you off, probably because of my crazy antics…. something you can’t confront me on, but we both know. I’ve now come to realize I put the fear in her, causing her to cut.you.off. SMH, poor you, poor, poor, you.

BUT I know now, I think I’ve figured you and her out. She won’t be able to resist you, or you, her. This weekend, the both of you will NOT be able to resist. You and she will meet up one last time, and if I have my way, it will be one last time, because, I finally will have proof of you and her, pictures and video, and you and her will have the time you desire, at least you will, because I will be living with  myself, peacefully, finally and well, thanks to you, because, unfortunate to you,  I will be living quite comfortably.

I’m sorry, I know you love me, but not enough to stay strong.

Since I believe she cut you off, for now, once the both of you have your one last time, she will go running back to her newly married H, and you will go running back to your dream home, alone,by yourself, because I will finally have left you.

 

 

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

After that huge argument

He searched for her again, God, he is a dumb ass. Actually, God, I’m a dumb ass.

Or, He is going to think I’m a dumb ass.

 

Hired a PI. One that is willing to go away for the weekend where our lovely, vacation home is. One that is willing to be on call, to wait for my call, yes, for one hour, as is in the hour they meet up for.

 

This is it, folks. If you’re the praying kind, say those prayers. I soon could be a free woman. Free of the pain and humiliation this man brings to me, or I allow for him to bring to me.

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

I hate to tell you – what they say is true

Well, well, well, I guess what “they,” Leading Experts say just might be true  is true; exercise DOES indeed, lift the spirit, give a boost of energy, makes you feel darn good. At least, that is how I am feeling today. (Smile)

Nearly a month ago my husband came home with a paper in hand, to announce that the gym he visits, on an occasional/ regular basis. AKA : go like mad for 10 – 12 weeks; too busy 10 – 12 weeks, go like mad…. you know what I mean, and, according to this article, these statistics are either not so bad or normal.  Telling my H he is “normal” ehhhh that would not go over very well. Anyway, this paper had exciting news! Boot camp for family members and friends could now be in session! Yahoo!

I’ve been saying gym and it is not a gym, I should clarify. It is truly a Boot Camp, it’s the newest thing these days. Well, for a few years now, it’s been the newest thing. We: daughters and I decided we were up for the challenge. Let’s do this!

We attended the orientation the First week of January, got measured and body fat taken (Yikes) I’ve pretty much stayed an active person, nothing bad azz, just 35 min or so of weights. I’m 50ish so Doctors tell me that’s a great choice, I just H-A-T-E cardio, I mean I HATE. so I knew it was going to be an “ahem” buster for me. I could stand to lose Five pounds and gaining muscle would be my goal, losing body fat—- a darn must.

The challenge is for six weeks, in the beginning, I kept reminding myself that I can do anything for six weeks, including, waking at 4 am to meet up with the family at the Total Transformation Center for a 30-minute work-out weekdays and one hour on Saturday.

The food portion consists of lean proteins and veggies and for me, because of my body fat range (okay okay it’s 30% at this time) I have two days that for 45 minutes, I can eat whatever I want. I do not have a choice to skip these days, it is a must. I so far have lost 4% body-fat.. yahoo and, five pounds.

In addition to these amazing changes, I do not dread hearing the alarm go off at four. In fact, I like getting this workout done and able to carry on with my day. Otherwise, having to work out at the end of my workday caused stress, and I would need to cut it short, often, because I needed to either start dinner or buy ingredients for dinner. Now, meals are prepped, usually, Sunday with a family Costco run on Saturday or Sunday, after church. Since one daughter lives about twenty minutes away, across town and the other we rarely see, this has been a really fun, bonding time.

Thankfully, for today, my dear friend/reader here, who gives great words of wisdom,

has helped me to look “there” instead of “here” 😀

If I allow myself to leave my H in the hands of God, I will do much better. My focus, for today, that one day at a time thingy, My focus for today is my relationship with my God, Creator, and healing my heart and body from the past three – four years of abuse I’ve put them through.

Be well, all

 

xoxo