Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Brick Walls

 
I hit a brick wall the past week, I mean, I sill feel as if I am staggering around, stunned by the sudden impact of smashing into that proverbial brick wall.

I was feeling great, on top of the world.   I felt as if the past was behind me and the future, the future was oh-so-bright. Suddenly, as a BS will do, I hit that fricken brick wall, and everything seemed so…. so…. meaningless.

Not because I am broken hearted.  Not because ”  I can’ t live without you, my dear husband. My husband who I will take faithful or not”  Oh, EFF no, the prior has nothing to do with maintaing my married stance.  It has to do with GUILT. Guilt that there was this part of me that could not stand my H.28

The explanation of the above statement goes way back. I was still a child at 28- okay 38 years old.  I was still furious that my H was NOT the man my parents thought he should be.  Trust me; I will follow-up this post, with  “Marrying your parents”  It sounds a little “victimized” trust me, it’s not.

So, to carry on with my Brick Wall, I will tell it to you effing suck’s, slamming into this wall. I hate it.  Every time I think all is well; I knock myself out, total shock. How can this be at 53 years of age?!

 

harem

All I can think of are the times I know he has lied. The rest, they become “mind movies”  as we call them at my hangout.

Here am I, hanging with the girls for a bachelorette weekend, a weekend where my H fucked the hell out of his harem.  At least, in my mind’s eye that is what happened.

BTW…  he has called several times. (oopsie I didn’t hear or see my phone) eventually, leading to the calling of of my guests.

Sorry honey, I am too infuriated to take your call; But, “Love you and miss you too.”

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

So here we are

Marriage of many.

I’m binge watching Escaping Polygamy  and I’m telling you, it’s no different. Except for, of course, we, the BS have no participation in this sh*t dream, the nightmare. What is they say at my favorite hangout?   They  (affairs) a one sided open marriage. And that is what this effed up game is, a lying one-sided affair.

The both of you are cowards, avoiding the words I have for you; The words I have for your fiance, children and your job.

Hopefully, if I can help, not for long.

 

❤ to all. Love you, stay strong, stay firm.

 

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Hate. Intense HATE

Oh, yes, yes indeed.
The hate you have triggered in me leaves me practically speechless.
Today- I believe you’ve made a mistake. HUGE.
Enjoy your FAT, very FAT, lover. Enjoy your new children that you will inherit. Yes, that skank of yours has children, remember? The Skank you and the other “men” in our community have fucked.
Enjoy starting over. The dumbest mistake you’ve ever made? Allowing me complete control of the money is our personal AND business life.
Dumb Ass.

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Another Check-In

Hello, Dear Ones,

Wanted to do another check-in. All is well, the same.  As is, we live our lives accordingly.

Went to the Vaca home last weekend, rode the ATV’s, found the hidden lakes  we’ve been looking for on/off for the last few years.

He went to fish behind the house one evening, I prayed like hell if visiting her H would come home. ( He drives  uber, lift, taxi) something like that. He came home, driving that taxi.   I held my breath, I waited. I strained my ears to ear yelling, screaming, punching sounds, gunshots.

Nothing.

We spent the rest of the weekend doing yard work and such, the stuff you do on weekends. Annnnd, not much to write home about. I suspect he is waiting me out? Don’t know, whada you think?

Even the suspected one here, think sleeza might be put on the back burner. Heck, I have no idea.

I know I “shook” him “up” when I refused to go home with him. I don’t know if he was afraid I would drop his cover or lose me.

For now, it’s quiet. It’s him moving, acting, being quiet. It’s me, acting as if I trust the calm.

 

xoxo friends xoxo

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Checking in

My friends, I thank you, for your emails and texts of concern. You know, living life as a BS it’s never changing yet all the same at the end of the day.

In other words, who knows what will come next.

My H claims to be distraught, torn apart, depressed, discouraged and fearful of what will come next. (Welcome, H, to my world). He claims my refusal to leave with him devastated him in ways he has never known before. He claims not to understand how could I  ever doubt his love and faithfulness for me, from him.

Had I not spied on him, had I not seen his movements or heard some of them he very well could have had me suckered into his speech of undying love. But, I know.  As I listened to him claim his faithfulness, I thought to myself, perhaps he is speaking in future terms, knowing that I, his “only love” was almost lost.

Who knows?!

For now, I take the strength gained from our time apart, hold it under my belt and wait. Wait and gather. Gather money and time.

xoxo

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

I used the time apart

from one another to pray. To pray and to pray. I needed guidance. I need peace. I needed HOPE. Hope that I would finally be able to gain and hold control of my life.

Does that make sense?

Not control, as in controlling somebody else, but control as in having a say. Having a say in “should I stay or should I go?” Having a say in… just effing life!

And, I did, I gained the “  control” back.

I shouldn’t even use the word control  because it has NOTHING to do with my writings.