Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Repetition

Dear You,

 

I am sorry, I am sorry I allowed you to feel comfortable in your lies. I have come to find (a long time ago, really) that you, all of your life have been covered, taken care of, given permission, to … not be true.

You know all those things you say about NFL, NBA, MLB players… they are catered to, made to look as if they do no wrong, thus, covering their ass(es) giving them goods, things, and money so that they (the buyers) will succeed, be chosen.

 

Well, I now have come to understand this ^^^^^^ this statement above^^^^^^, spoken so many times by you, IS you.

 

I’m sorry.

 

Because, here you are, at your age, living life as if rules don’t matter to you because, well they just don’t.  You, yes YOU have lived your life convincing people and yourself that you are some sort of freak of nature that does not lie, cheat, still, AND, you are this magnificent freak of nature that somehow always comes out AHEAD.

 

We’ve been married 25 years, together 28, and for the first time, two years ago, I heard “THE story.”

You were in High School, apparently, some big star football player, of course, oh-so-popular…. Parents, out of town, party, your house. I’m not sure what you did at this party but it involved many cheerleaders and a huge mess. Because, whatever happened, you were off the team, for the rest of the year. AND, in addition/because of; something with your parents, who obviously you didn’t seem to have too much respect transpired. Obviously, Daddy was a proud Pop, pretending to discipline, while Mom, the bad guy, insisted on some sort of punishment, until:

“the ENTIRE football team” decided to take the blame, you, Mr. Football hero, you were off the hook. I don’t know what the incident was that took place, but I know that for some reason, the pattern has followed, Mommy forgives, Daddy Gloats, and you, you.are.forgiven.

Everyone and anyone seem to cover your ass. Including me, until now.

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

I am NOT a whiner, am I?

I received an email from somebody calling me a whiner. WTF, I AM NOT a whiner, am I? It is NOT meant to be the meaning of my posts. I am just trying to be real, honest, pure, natural, real, in my post. If you think my posts are me, being a whiner, try climbing into my thoughts.

Let me tell you, “anonymous” emailer, I am the strongest person, physically and mentally you will ever meet. So…. So,…… uh, eff you! Yeah, eff you. ( Says this Christian woman. LOL)

You see, “anonymous” emailer, I’ve been through much more than any person reading this would ever imagine. EVER.

I, yes, me, am physically and emotionally beaten. You see, “anonymous” emailer, I began my life with migraines, physically suffering at a time in life when the physical illness was blamed on upbringing, AKA ” Your daughter is a middle child, she is searching for attention.” Imagine, three or four years of age and suffering migraines. Only later to learn that there be a PHYSICAL explanation for having migraines at an age of four, okay even three years of age.

So, because of this physical ailment, suffering such indescribable pain, not only for that age but for the present age, being passed off as attention seeking,  this chickie has grown emotionally, physically strong. Stronger than any reader or friend, family member, could ever imagine being; this author, has, unfortunately, grown so used to physical and emotional pain, that she has no idea, NONE… again, NO IDEA…. when real pain is in existence.

So, “anonymous” writer, emailer, before you go calling names and judging, either move on to another blog, one in which you will identify or understand, THINK,  Think before name calling, judging, or blaming. If, that is if, you truly were some sort of psychology major, you would know better, you would know behind every Betrayed Spouse, or Wayward Spouse, there is more than just attention seeking posters.

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Here it is, and here am I, looking as if I am crazy, but truly, I am NOT. My H and his lover(s) have, as usual, made it look as if the one who is being cheated on, the “innocent” to be the crazy one, isn’t it so typical?

I have read the stories and watched the “stories” as well, the innocent, they always come across as crazy and off the mark.

Later, maybe years later the innocent, the BS, or the “victim” is finally shown to be true, right, correct. Suddenly then, many want to stand up, get in the game and say that they too, were a part victim.

 

Eff you, victim(s).

 

I just re-read the text back to me, the “poor, low self-esteemed woman” whose H treated her like sh*t. LOL. The woman whose H abused her so. The OW who happened to be able to convince her friends and family that a crazy woman was accusing her of dreadful things. The text I received made me sick. Very Ill.

As she claimed her innocence, I understood that I should NOT have texted she or her BS. But it was not about convincing her spouse what she was up to. It was NOT about bullying her or begging her to “leave my man alone”. No. It was and IS about letting everyone involved that I KNOW. I KNOW what they are doing.

I fear to look or appear, whatever the grammatically correct saying be,  dumb/naive or TRUSTING, to people that do NOT deserve the trust of this young/old woman.

 

I KNOW. I KNOW every time you have an excuse to disappear from my presence, you are leaving to pick up or send off a text.

 

WHY- WHY – WHY- many texts ask…. WHY are you sticking around with this person.

 

Many reasons.  One being:

 

I have no effing idea why. I want concrete proof. so that I can feel rewarded.  “See I told you” reward.

 

And

$$$$$$$$$$$   The longer together the more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

And

I am weak, ball-less.

 

And

 

I have no effing Idea.

 

However, in the long run. You both know I know. I want you to be very sure that I know, I am not a dumb ass.  I know- I know- I know.

And, OUR, yes you, me and she, them, her, them and she…… creator, KNOWS. HE is very aware.

 

Enjoy that afterlife.

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

And here we go

For the time that I’ve been gaslighted regarding My “crazy thought” and My H having an affair, every single piece of  ahh Ha! evidence I come across can always have a possible explanation. Even though everyone involved is aware this could be “it”. Not this time.

Last night H needed to find a family member on FB to get information for a death, in need of memorial information. He made a big stink about having no idea how to find her and asked me to explain how to search. Unbeknownst to him, this is a red flag for me, it’s really him asking if I know how, he knows but is concerned whether or not I do.

 

After he went off to  bed  I checked his searches in FB and there it was. Lover name, not once but four times Thursday and Five times Friday, searched. The dumb ass didn’t even try spelling her name differently, he just kept typing her name.

He was asleep and I was blown away, finally, the evidence. We officially don’t even know these people, so it’s not as if he was searching for a mutual friend.

 

I took a screenshot, tried to write out a text to her for about an hour and then just went ahead, wrote an extremely long and rambling text to her. I didn’t use my real number, of course, I sent from a spoofed number. I am a coward, no balls, remember?

Well, that is exactly what I got back in text from both her and her husband. They wrote how they felt sorry for me, they thought I was on drugs but realized I needed help. They felt bad that I was some poor woman with no self-esteem and should seek counsel to get out of such a terrible relationship.  Each sending their text separately.

 

She told me that I should get out of my shitty relationship with a man who apparently had no respect for me, that surely I would believe I deserve4 better. She wrote her address told me that even tho she has no idea who I am, she would be willing to help me and that If I sent her my H phone number she would be willing to speak with him as well.

 

Whats that saying , Fuck my life?  Wow, takes my H lover, who is lying about being his lover to wake me to realize I have a poor self-esteem and in a shitty relationship.

 

I slept on the couch last night. I have not spoken to H he left for work early this morning. Surely H knows by now. I am not sure when or how, but I’ve got to do something. It’s going to be a challenge to figure out how to work. Beleive it or not, I have to stay through tomorrow for a stupid ass baby shower. Very long story why I can’t miss. I will say it has a lot to do with the fact I have no balls or courage in that area as well.

Thinking to go to work Monday to collect all the work I can, get the banking done. I will also need to fill some prescriptions. I’m fairly sure I will go to the vacation home to work from there; yes the home his GF and New husband live directly behind (ours).

I don’t know what I expected, it surely wasn’t sarcastic sympathy and disgust. I have no idea who the hell I am.

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Friends, and not so friends,

I truly do appreciate the words of wisdom and encouraging e-mails, even the harshly written ones that accuse me of wallowing in pity and taking away any blame for the H. Oh, trust me, I’ve taken away no blame what-so-ever. I know.

I’m just enjoying myself, blowing off a little steam. That’s all.

Give it time, you’ll see.

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Dearest Dear,

Dearest H,

What wonderful news I have (for me) what wonderful news.

As I watch you pull inward I believe I know what you are thinking about, of course, I cannot be entirely sure… however, I can speculate. It seems a bit suspect that it happens at the same time that I confront one of those W that I think might somewhat belong WITH you. ( Notice not to)

 

I don’t really know the purpose of your affair, makes no sense to me. Mostly because she was not yet married for two of the years that  I know of, that you were together. Why not leave me and move on?

To boot: Not only do the two of you go like mad leading up to her marriage, but after, she waits (tries?) to hold off for a month, or so, after getting married. Only to pick it right back up. AGAIN.

I don’t get it.

Affairs.

Emotional Affairs.

Physical Affairs.

Any kind of Affair(s)

 

When I finally got her on the phone, Live, at least, she asked me to call back in 45 min. When I called back in “45 min”, she asked for another 45.  tick tock I, stunned , responded if  she knew who I was, she replied “no, that is why I would love to talk” gave me a phone number and again, she stated she had NO idea who I was. She giggled , at least from what I remember she giggled, she then said that she was  looking forward to finding out who you ( the W Husband in question are.)

Ha

I’ve not called back, no way will I hand (back) over any type of control. Next, she will ask me to come to HER home, sit on HER sofa so that we can talk about this weird accusation that SHE/HER/SHE  IS having an affair with MY old, wanna be (young) big thing  (shh) Husband.

BTW, readers, I KNOW SHE  They IS  are were once HAVING AN A WITH MY H. Yes indeed.

Shhhhhh, Be clear, This is NOT a squeeze out, hold feet to fire kind of post.

 

I DO NOT, think I am blackmailing, bribing, insisting……

 

He might feel a little irritated about this, sad, distasteful, statement.

BUT, the end game:

Who.The.Eff.Cares?

 

 

 

 

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Just thinking, what if

I want to be clear that I am not trying to threaten, I  wish no harm. In addition, I mean what  I say. I just want answers and there are two who can give answers. One refuses, the other is her, the OW .

The last thing I want to do is to contact your Dear Husband. I’m sure he loves you very much and would be devasted to know what you have been and are continuing to do. I’m ashamed of my husband not only for ruining his own marriage but potentially destroying the marriage of another. I am sick that in his selfishness he has trampled the heart of another man, one that he does not even know. His wife? Pfft, he surely will have a reason. 

Cross in heart2

When a person, male or female want to have an affair, they will have an affair. I am in great shape, you would never guess my age, and I am a kind and loving woman. I am not saying that NOT being any of these things would be a reason for an affair, I am saying this because I try, I work hard to stay healthy, and somewhat decent looking for myself and my husband. I want for him to be proud of me, happy that he chose me.

 I think People that “wander” outside their marriage tend to be on the selfish side, so I suppose this should not come as a surprise ( His decision to Affair). However, to ruin another marriage honestly shocks me. In other words, chasing after a busty, hot looking, younger, and single chic? So classic, …. just so classic. A live-in with lover, now, newly married woman, 40 pounds larger than I,  naturally BEAUTIFUL,  woman…. MARRIED, woman, MARRIED younger woman, MARRIED, taken woman???!!!  I am saddened.

My husband is a Christian, has he shared this fact with her? He also is a “Promise Keeper” (Look it up). As a “Promise Keeper” he was to be in a place that would keep him accountable. He was to hang with a group of men that are stronger and more grounded than he. For a while, he did, and then slipped away. I watched as the group of men that he was “accountable” to let him go, mostly relieved I think.

My husband has a large, personality. Gigantic! Many find him annoying. Conversely many find him honest, genuinely, painfully honest. My thoughts are that these Christian men discovered their little support group quiet, and light, no real problems. Readers, have you figured my husband is a short man?! LOL , it’s true. 

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

How much longer, I’m not sure but I know the time is near. How near?

Well, near enough to not be last year at this time, sleepless nights,  tired days. Searching drawers, closets, socks, and underwear. Looking for anything that will give a clue to exact times and when.

I’m not a coward, I DO have courage. I’m not a chicken, whimp and I’m not gutless. I am quite capable of confronting pain, angst, lies and whatever / whoever else needs confronting.

 

However

Even though I KNOW I am RIGHT. Even though I KNOW times, dates, places .. I am TERRIFIED there is that one teeny-weeny little chance I’ve got it wrong.

He Knows This.

They Know This

He has contributed to this.

They have contributed to this.

It’s called GASLIGHTING.

 

So I guess in a sense I have contributed to this.

 

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

I’m nearly sure it happened again,  I mean WTF, just WTF.

We arrived at our vacation home the day before. I sat at the table working, closing at the books for OUR business.  I knew it was coming because he is so predictable, “they” are so predictable.

I know, he knows, she knows and we all know that her place of work is in located in the same area, lot as the small town grocery market. It took me three years to figure it all out. I knew it was someone but honestly, I NEVER would have considered HER to be the OW. She lives directly behind our home. I went to SPOKEO, looked up every single person that lives behind us, saw her pic and thought “hell to the no” there is NO WAY, he would go for her.  You see, when I was able to GPS him (before he discovered my tricks) I saw him hanging out at her home for hours at a time, on the weekends he would need to go ahead or without me.

Anyway, I knew before we left this would happen. Three months ago, I would have insisted to go with him, this time I came to the realization, they would find a time somehow, somewhere.  So, I let him go.

When he walked out the door, I called her. I asked for her, and when I reached her desk she announced her name:

I just wanted to let you know that your boyfriend is on his way. He forgot his phone, will you please have him call me when he gets there? I need him to bring something else home/

Silence “I’m sorry?”  she asks.

Before I could repeat or respond, she hangs up.

I hang up, walk outside to smoke a cigarette and say or do nothing.

He is gone an hour. I get back to work.

He walks in, I’m on the phone with my receptionist walking her through a challenge she is having.

He has a bouquet of flowers and as I talk, he cuts stems, finds a vase and places them on the counter.

I stand up while saying good-bye and turning the phone off.

“How nice, thank you, I say”.

He responds:

“I went to see my gf at work, and picked these up for her” Looks at me sheepishly. “Just kidding, you’re my gf and you’re working.”

I knew he knew, he knew I know… and guess what? I’m sure they each got a chuckle.

What the two of them do not understand is that this ball-less chick has had her balls delivered. I’m playing cool, I’m back to playing naive. But, I’m playing.  Four more months… just four months. I can’t wait to share with you all where I am then, and wht I have.

 

 

 

 

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

My Name is Lori

My Name is Lori

I am a Whore(ie)

I love to fuck your man

Just because I can

I might be somewhat fat

Yet imagine that

He so loves it in my ass

(Does that sound crass?)

He will scream and yell

Oh, I love to tell.

Please don’t judge me

I’m just Lori

 

I like to take your man

Just because I can

I love it up my assLorie whorie use

Just imagine that

I love to hear him cum

We have so much fun

Yes, I’m newlywed

But I will still give head

To the husband that is not mine

I’ll do it anytime

Yet, I’ll keep my pride

Yes, I’m a new bride (but)

I can still  take your man

and will because I can.

I never had much luck

with high school fucks

so now I’m up in years

I’ll take yours, despite the tears

That I cause my groom

Just know, there is still more room

for the guy who married me

his wife, Lori

Who will take your man

Just because I can