Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Checking in

My friends, I thank you, for your emails and texts of concern. You know, living life as a BS it’s never changing yet all the same at the end of the day.

In other words, who knows what will come next.

My H claims to be distraught, torn apart, depressed, discouraged and fearful of what will come next. (Welcome, H, to my world). He claims my refusal to leave with him devastated him in ways he has never known before. He claims not to understand how could I  ever doubt his love and faithfulness for me, from him.

Had I not spied on him, had I not seen his movements or heard some of them he very well could have had me suckered into his speech of undying love. But, I know.  As I listened to him claim his faithfulness, I thought to myself, perhaps he is speaking in future terms, knowing that I, his “only love” was almost lost.

Who knows?!

For now, I take the strength gained from our time apart, hold it under my belt and wait. Wait and gather. Gather money and time.

xoxo

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

I used the time apart

from one another to pray. To pray and to pray. I needed guidance. I need peace. I needed HOPE. Hope that I would finally be able to gain and hold control of my life.

Does that make sense?

Not control, as in controlling somebody else, but control as in having a say. Having a say in “should I stay or should I go?” Having a say in… just effing life!

And, I did, I gained the “  control” back.

I shouldn’t even use the word control  because it has NOTHING to do with my writings.

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

I said I was and I did…

stay behind.

He awoke Sunday morning to find me on the couch. As he sleepily stumbled out from the bed, in search of coffee he asked half confused what I was doing on the couch.

I did NOT make the quiet, calm and in control speech that I had planned and rehearsed for five hours, beginning at 12:30 am.

Saturday, the day before I could feel the tension building (in him) he was beginning to pace around the house a bit, looking out the window from the back of our home. If you get the right window, the right view, you can see the home of the woman I’ve accused him of cheating with, oh yeah sorry, and her husband.

It’s the strangest thing, I could hear him thinking, trying to talk himself out of it, trying to convince himself to stay home. By now I know the schedule of this newly married couple and her husband was due to leave in just about twenty minutes or so. It was 2:18pm. Yes, of course, I remember.

I was pretending to re-arrange dishes in the cabinet as I watched him. He peeked to the back of the house, again. Stood. Stared, looking nowhere with his back to the floor to ceiling window. Took a deep breath and went downstairs.

I’ve mentioned before that this house has three floors not including the basement. He could easily leave the house and I would not know. Hell, I could easily leave the house and he would not know. And I did, to check to be sure her husband was or wasn’t there.

He was the first time and by the time I noticed H missing, he was not.

My H returned about 45 minutes later, smiling. Happy.

I said NOTHING. I pretended to not even noticed he was gone.

I would think any meetup between my H and her is purely sexual. I think they get a kick out of each other, each blowing up the other’s ego.

So, the next morning when my H came stumbling out of the bedroom, after him asking what was wrong, after four hours of rehearsing and mentally rewriting my speech to my H, one that made me sound resolute and in control, I yelled:” I’m not going home with you.”

“What?!”

“I am NOT leaving, I am not coming home with you. I need space, time to myself, I’m tired of your lies, you are sneaking around. I am NOT leaving. I will have one of the girls pick me up when I’m ready to leave. I am staying.

He was pissed.

I was feeling like a million bucks.

I will continue tomorrow to tell you how everything went.

xoxo

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Friends

Yes- Yes, I think know feel as if he is feeding me lines. He thinks he knows me, this insecure frail woman. He Is Wrong.

I am hoping praying that I will remain strong. That I will remain as if I am naive.. aka a dumb ass.

When I Imagine that he and she/they laughed at me, I receive a great desire, I mean insanely intense desire, to find details and display them everywhere and in every way I am able.

So, Dear Friends, as I pray for the great reveal, I ask that you begin taking notes and ideas of how I can embarrass the hell out of him and anyone else involved.

 

Suggestions? Please, do tell.

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Going to the House this weekend

.. and I am nervous, scared, uptight and, well, uptight.

I want to love it at our vacation home like I once did, but there is something that taints the feeling.

My H, he is all over me, loving me, telling me how beautiful I am.

I have a sister; she is serious, drop dead gorgeous. She ALWAYS has been. She is the woman who makes hardly an effort makeup wise, has worked out every single day since high school,  blonde, boobs, tiny waist, nice rear and the works. (Yes, friends, she has children.) Mostly she has a heart of gold.This sister, she is the only person in this world that I can reveal a deep, dark, secret to and I will know for a fact she will NOT reveal it, EVER.

 

BTW- I will repeat: YES, she has children.

She turns heads everywhere she goes. ALWAYS. We all know that beautiful women are often hated on by other women. We will make excuses for he (striking woman)  to be hated. For instance, I will name all the surgeries, fillers and so forth “she”  must have had in order to be so striking. Surely, she hasn’t come by “it” naturally.

All throughout high school, my sister was immediately hated by the other girls because they assumed she was “stuck-up” as was said in my day. When I dated guys, they would ask “you’re HER sister, really?”

Anyway, remember the wedding I spoke of earlier? My H tonight, and last night, the night before and the night before said to me: “YOU, You are the beautiful one, it’s you, at the wedding….. Oh, my— you were stunning. You Looked way better than ……. your sisters, waaaaay.  YOU looked soooo hot.

I’m not mentioning this to brag, or, whatever you might be thinking. I share this because as of late, this is how my H has been treating me. Telling me me what a wonder I am, beautiful, in shape, just.so.hot.

As my H says. OH.MY.

Tonight, he spoke of how much I’ve been working out, how he feels the need to catch up with me. He claims, “you’ve always been hot, I married you for your ass, but, when you work-out, your attitude changes, it shows in your self-esteem.”

We’ve read that right? Working out improves the mood. It’s true; I’ve been feeling great emotionally and physically since hitting the gym.

Yet, for some reason, because I no longer trust him, I am assuming he is feeding me lines so that he can slip away with one of the girls.

I so wish he would spill the truth,Do you wanna make love or do you just want to fool around that way he would understand the reasons, many reasons, why I wonder every time he leaves my presence be it work or the house, I wonder ….. is he leaving to text, meet or have wild sex with whoever the flavor is this timee

I wish I could turn my brain off. Most of me think at this time it is him and me only. He is remorseful, wants only me, only me.

Then again, In the back of my mind, that small percent, I think he is trying to throw me off track.

My entire point of this point….. I am scared S**tless that he is planning a rendezvous with his skanky lover named Sleeza or his larger lover named Whorie.

 

Any guesses?

Be well my friends,

 

xoxo

Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Someone I consider a “mentor”

 

I am a Christian. Sometimes I get off track, I admit, however, when it comes “down to it  “I will NEVER, ever, leave or deny my Creator, Maker, my Hope, and my Strength.” The ONLY reason I KNOW that I can continue. The ONLY reason that I know I can be OKAY, even if I might never see the ending of this vicious circle. Okay, in the way that I might see what happens to HIM, because he is trying to make me believe I’m crazy.

Anyhow, Thank You, friend, who grows concerned about me, when I make those crazy posts. I hope you know who you are. I hope you know how much I appreciate you.

 

Be well