O God my rock,” I cry,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?”
10 Their taunts break my bones.
They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”
11 Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!
I found this scripture from a journal I wrote about a year ago, and it seems strangely sad that it still applies today. I feel guilty because I have allowed myself to focus on nothing but my WS and what he is doing, the how and the wheres as well. “It” very well could be over, but every single time I allow myself to relax and believe I was (am) crazy, something happens that causes me to think it isn’t over. I don’t even know what “it” is anymore.
I can’t even explain what I am talking about: Just once incident that arises would be explained away but adding those up all together say that something is going on. I believe that is why I focus so much on 2014/2015 the last six or so months of 14 and the first few of 15. The times I knew, but I could never prove. I kept explaining those incidents away as well.
Sigh, who is this crazy woman I’ve become?
There was a private comment written by a reader who feels I am taking blame for a choice he made to bring someone into our marriage. I want to explain that I am not excusing for him betraying me, not one bit. I am admitting, however, that I certainly was unlovable, I didn’t like him much and damn if I didn’t make it uncomfortable to be home and around me. The issue is pretty complex because even the fact that I didn’t like him much came from his constant need to control mostly the little things. It’s the chicken before the egg thing….. Which came first?
In my mind, it makes no difference. I’m the one that was aware of the tension in our marriage; I’m the one with the Christian up-bringing and I know better. He was raised to be selfish, greedy and think of himself first. I don’t mean that in a self-righteous way either. His family honestly have an intense need to be first, right, have more than…. And so on. I feel sad for them because they are rarely happy. Maybe content is a better word. No, they rarely have Joy, that’s it; usually they are looking for the next thing or event that will fulfill.
I will admit that I am furious, very angry with God right now. I don’t understand what he wants from me. Why must I wait for the “reveal” or the proof? Why is my WS always getting away with his boyish actions? I do mean always. He and his family tell stories of the shenanigans he pulled when growing up and how he would somehow escape blame or even punishment. It’s amazing.
So, anyway, It gives me grief knowing this could be another incident. I want to blow it wide open; I want to bust into a room that he is sitting with a handful of evidence and toss it into the air, and leave, with my bags and my dignity. It would more than likely be a bigger scene than that, but you know.
I would honestly feel a thousand times better if he just admitted he did wander or even that he still is messing around. I would then know for sure and could move on. The fact that he denied from the past could mean (obviously) he could deny from the now. I’m in constant prayer that I will find something, that somebody will tell me anything, he will grow tired of lying.
Does a cheater grow tired of lying?