Dear You – Dear Her

I have filled many journals with letters to you. Page after page with words that seem to repeat themselves. Usually, after writing, I will close the journal, set it aside for a day or two and then go back to re-read before I hand it off to you.  Most of those letters have remained in the journal, but some of the pages have been torn out,  wadded up into a ball and buried under the trash; hoping they would never found.  I couldn’t help but think the words sounded pathetic after allowing myself a day or two. It would be frustrating because I carefully put those thoughts on the page for a purpose, so why can’t I give any of the letters to you?

I’m not sure why I can’t just express myself without worrying how I sound or what you might think.  Married for twenty plus years, and here I am, afraid that my feelings are too desperate. SMH

Dear you,

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you touching her, talking with her, giving her personal information about me, our girls.  When you leave the office to meet a customer, my stomach tightens; will he be meeting her? Is he telling the truth? What if_________?

I notice you spend time, around the area that she works. Sure, the stores you frequent for your fishing and hunting trips are there. Also the vendors are nearby too, but, what if_________?

I wish you could let go of the pride and tell me the truth; it would make things so much better for us.  I have given you countless opportunities, and yet you still insist that I am wrong, nothing happened. I wish you would hear what I have to say so that you could understand just how much I know and why I’m still here knowing what I know.  Your refusal to let it go creates a  wall between us. Just think, if things seem good now why wouldn’t we want them to be great? You probably feel safe and think the “awkward” is over, and maybe it is for you, but NOT for me, at all.

I remain prayerful about the truth coming out; I believe that God hears my prayers and knows my desires, so I must believe that the truth will come when it should, but it’s so hard. Very hard.  When I look back at the beginning,  in my heart knowing you were involved with her, I tried confronting you. Of course, you denied. I received counsel to wait, and wait some more , AND to be quiet while doing waiting.

 I was told to pray, given specific verses to meditate on, and I was able to trust that God would heal us. Through my prayers, it was revealed to me that if I would have made a huge stink, called her and demanded she tells me the truth if I  insisted you tell me the truth things would be different now.   If I packed your stuff and kicked you out or packed myself and moved out, our lives would not look as they do now.  Instead,   I pretended to believe you when you said nothing was going on and I remained here, serving and waiting. I now believe that if I did any of those things you would have chosen her. We would be now divorced, the kids a mess, our business and personal finances a mess, myself a mess.  I see now. That is why I know God is still working.

You don’t know this and I don’t say this because I don’t want to hurt you , but before your choice to have an affair I asked God for help. Help me to love him like a crazy, over the top love. I often wonder if your affair was an answer to that.