Dear One, I continue this letter to you and want to explain the reason that I am here. Still.
First, I will not take blame for your decision to go wander outside of our marriage; I will take blame for the ugly that I allowed in our marriage.
You were away at the vacation house, when I attended a special event at church a guest speaker, I forget the topic but I’m sure it was something about being a Woman of Faith. There was no way I could miss that weekend; I was up for volunteer service that Sunday. I guessed that you knew I wouldn’t shirk my responsibility thus the reason you chose to use this particular as the day to work, burning brush, and whatever else you told me was planned. It added to the disrespect I had for you; bitterness was turning to hate, and the hate to “I don’t give a damn anymore about you or us.”
Remember, I have no idea what the speaker said to us, I couldn’t wait to leave quite honestly. I wanted to get home, sign on to the computer and poke around to see if I could find evidence she was there still. I sat slumped in my chair; lunch break finally over, a couple more hours and I could go home. The annoying chatter of women, the shrill laughter, loud voices was wearingon me. I sat there trying NOT to hear them, asking God for freedom, peace, a sign …. ANYTHING, I also mentioned a quick thank you, to God; the girls were away for the summer working as camp counselors, I believed I needed this alone time. I could not sleep, think, work; eating was a chore, making dinner for them would be impossible. I was barely surviving how I would do this with them around I had no idea.
Before I knew it the speaker had finished; I could now go home. A couple more songs to sing, almost there! The praise session ended, and the speaker rose (again?!) to, I assumed give (another) last goodbye and maybe some encouragement.
“I want to say something to you all, it’s important so, please, listen. God has put this on my heart so I’m just going to say it: There is a woman here, you are suffering, suffering deeply from hurt, past, and present; Ladies, she is bitter, I want to pray for her. But listen to me, you MUST let go of that bitterness, you must look at your part in this, you have held on to it for much, too long. I want for you to take a look at your part in this marriage, what you have done to contribute to this besides not forgive, you have done to cause this bitterness.
She then went on to tell the group of women how we must seek one another out, pray for one another. At this point my body was near convulsing, trying to keep my sobs from escaping my body and the tears from flowing. Everyone will know now it’s me if I let this escape.
“Please stand,” she said, and everyone stood. “Well, I wanted for the woman herself to stand so that we could circle her and pray” she spoke, looking directly at me. “But, I would assume this is best, let’s pray for her.”
This, this very incident, my Dear H. is why I’m here, and there is so much more.
I never thought it would be me. I often wondered, I often doubted(him) yet, there was a part of me that could not imagine this man, my H, a cheat.
Well, I was wrong and I was right.
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