Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Hope, Hope, where are you?

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, I don’t know what happened, I just lost the oomph it takes to open my thoughts and put them into words. In addition to the holidays and the busyness, holidays bring, I just couldn’t gather the courage to face all these feelings that won’t leave me alone. They nag me over and over again, morning, noon and night. Awake or asleep they are there to remind me of what probably happened and magnified what could have happened.
What is it about being honest that BS can’t do? It’s a serious question. So many times, so many close calls, there are times when he isthisclosetotelling me the truth, and suddenly the crashing sound of a steel wall comes between us, reminding me that he just might not have the ability to be humble enough to admit his wandering ways.
So, what do I when that happens? For a while, I sit in the depression, some hours lasting longer than the last and turning into days and then weeks of hopelessness and fear. Burning anger on the inside, while I attempt to continue my life as if life is grand and only getting better. I continue to beg God for revelation.
I am suddenly “reminded” again who holds power, who is in  control.
Who knows how I feel without saying a word I am understood.  My Redeemer lives! He is the same yesterday, today and forever. My Hope hears me when I call, He listens to my words, even my thoughts. My Rock holds strong when I feel as if I am sinking in repetitive thoughts that won’t let go. He is my strength, He is my hiding place, and He is my Joy, even when I have slammed into fear and depression.
He has perfect timing, and this reveal might not be about me, it could be about my Husband. It is possible it’s  about preparing him to be at a place where he calls out to my Lord, asking for hope and strength and even forgiveness.
Hello friends, I missed you all.

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