Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

I Go to the Rock

Please, may I have an ending to this hell, this humiliation and hell filled embarrassment. May I please, yes please, have result, ending, exposure along with some, some, some some  information, concrete proof of what my “husband” is doing on his short, little jaunts, to the market. PLEASE?!

I am a middle child. Look that one up. The second of Three girls, the one who will do ANYTHING to keep the peace. That is why my beloved H, who loves me so, very, dearly, who makes sure his sweet, darling wife has “it all”, and is taken care of, so taken care of that she wants for nothing, is safe, comfortable and warm.

I know he loves me, he truly does care, he feels for me and know’s every single insecurity, he knows every single pain I feel, BUT this poor “man” has no idea HOW to love, care or care for. He wants to, but can’t, because he has no id  ea HOW.

So, while being cheated on and lied to, this middle child feels sorry FOR, this man who has no idea how to love.

Wow – Just Wow.  Think: my great grandchildren will have this history to think back on and know, they will know that all this money, all these material things, came from a couple.  A couple who started off their marriage pregnant, only to lose that child they married for, in a stillborn death. Only to take on a blood child at 14 and her dear friend,  an abandoned  14-year-old girl, to try and give these two, young women the love they, themselves, did not have.

Only to be “abandoned” 2 years later by these two, young girls, who ran because of the rules.

This woman, this 53-year old woman, who is currently raising two, amazing young women who ARE her children, while being betrayed by her H and the “others”, remain as faithful as possible, to who/what? As possible? Just Faithful. Never have I or would I humiliate him.

I don’t know.

I’m just thankful, that in IT all, I am a Christian, a daughter of the one and only Creator, I am She, who tries to make sense of it all, make sense of all the betrayal from past, present and more than likely, the future.

She, Me, I, will always RUN back to my Creator, because He, The Creator Alone, will always be my Rock, My Comfort, My Hiding Place. He, The Creator, will Always be my God, My Hope, My Desire.

So,  readers, while once in a while I spout my foul-mouthed language, please know, I truly do have Hope, there are just days I need to spew, spew my anger, fear, and my confusion because I have yet to be rescued. Rescued from humiliation. Don’t worry, Creator, My Lord, He knows what I mean.

Until then…. I Go to the Rock

 

xoxo

6 thoughts on “I Go to the Rock”

  1. Why is it you’re convinced he loves you but doesn’t know how to love? It sounds like he likes being adored. Being the popular loved man. He can’t fuck around and be a lethario publicly and be loved. You’re a prop. An appliance. You make life easier. He… loves himself and the things this image affords him.

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    1. Because, he was raised this way. Raised to believe that HE is the Golden Boy. You know… when you move out, grow up and realized your family is Fucked up and they aren’t normal after all? He’s never realized this. Am I saying it’s okay? Hell NO! I know he “loves” me the best he can. Is that good enough for me? Not anymore. Right now… Right now the longer WE stay together the more $$ we make. I realize I’m settleing. I understand that I look pathetic. In some ways I am and in a lot of ways I’m NOT.

      This “man” he loves me. Trust me, he know’s I’m the best he will ever have. That is the reason he is holding off his “lover” (s). He knows. I am in control of all $$$ I am just understanding the power I have.

      In the beginning, I tried to be the good Christian Wife, loving my H and showing him the way a Christian woman/person would treat those around her. Now, as I walk with my tail between my legs from humiliation, I wait. I wait for the “right time” to say, sorry, my dear Promise Keeper, I’m sorry, I tried, but now… now it’s time for you to pay. In so many ways.

      As I said, I’m not “convinced” he loves me, I know he does. Desperately. And that “desperately ” will sting more than anything he has ever experienced.

      Thank you, again. Thank you for your concern, your true/real care. It keeps me focused on the truth. ❤

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      1. Oh, no offense. Really. I write to let go of the insane feelings I go through. That is, feeling insane. You, you probably know what I mean and maybe you don’t. If I had it to do all over again, differently, would I? I don’t know. If I could have my girls …..yes.

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    1. It’s terrible, isn’t it? Still a Christian, Not perfect, obviously.. but the drinking, smoking, cussing, that is a huge part of me right now. Most days I don’t give a rat’s anymore. Reading your blog is like reading my life, these cheaters aren’t very original. Those of us who are betrayed, well – yeah, it’s all the same. Do you go to the website http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/ You will find some amazing people there if not, you should

      Liked by 1 person

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