Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

How can this be worse?

The day it happened I remember thinking to myself; Anything– A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G , but this, never will I feel ANYTHING like this; the death of a child. I was miserable; I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I hated every single person who smiled. I hated every single person who called, sent a card, brought food. In fact, I refused to answer the phone or the door.

Have I talked about this before? I can’t remember.

One friend, in fact, I’m not sure she was a friend, she was a work acquaintance. She was bold, loud, and dropped surprise attacks, you could be chatting nicely, and suddenly she would throw a zinger remark, and you would wonder, What the Hell?! Red hair, blood red, in that ringlet curly bob style (1993), God I wanted that hair.

Everyone was leaving these whiny, sad, droning messages on the machine, “oh how sad; I’m so sorry, please call…” To be fair, it’s nice,  I know. I just was pissed, and this wasn’t supposed to happen. Her message: ” Man, your days must be Fucked Up. I’m sorry, let’s drink.”

 

I thought: “That’s it! Thank you Kaarin, My days are Fucked up!” Seriously, I will never forget how much better I felt. I didn’t want to talk to these other people; I ended up trying to make them feel better, It made me feel pressured to be a good Christian lady and claim God knows what He is doing, I trust Him.

I think about that time of my life and how I thought I’d never get past that pain. It’s 25 years later, and I remember the process of it all… Going in to have a baby and leaving without anything in my hand but my purse. “How could he have died? He looks so perfect”; I thought as they took his lifeless body back from me. Even though he never took a breath and was born lifeless, they hand him to me to hold and name him, encouraged me to acknowledge that I did have a baby boy, I thought that was a strange statement. I didn’t know that people just don’t know how to deal with Stillborn deaths, do I mention she had a baby, do I forget she was pregnant?

Weeks, months move forward, and although I never forget, I don’t think daily about that part of life. I had children after; life kept happening.

So why now, why this? Why can’t I  get out of my head what I know, what he won’t admit, Hell… why can’t I get out of my head WHAT I DON’T KNOW that he won’t admit. Maybe that’s what I should be saying. Why now do I still think at least three or……. seven times a day do I think about this? Why does this feel the same if not worse as time goes on?

<Insert here ~ string of curse words that have I’ve become quite fluent in these past three years>

 

Be Well

 

17 thoughts on “How can this be worse?”

  1. I have MY proof. GPS, seeing him in another place (around the corner, behind my home) I was too dumb to take a screen shot and at that time, I assumed the gps was slightly off. I had no idea. I then started digging deeper, signed up for all sorts of websites where you can get the name of who lives at what address in addition to who lives on the entire street.

    Lies, phones ringing, texting sounds (burner phone) knowing how your H lookes when he lies.

    Pictures/Video/ someone admitting.

    No.

    Do you?

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  2. Good morning, all.

    The hows are hard to explain, it started with those gut feelings and then really, I opened my eyes. Sorry, Dear H, I’ve been raising those kids of OURS, taking them to youth groups, soccer practices, away soccer games. You know, all the crap you missed because I would encourage you to go away to do all those things you love, fishing, scuba diving, working out. I would encourage you because you were so uptight, stressed, and well, YOU MADE US MISERABLE.

    So yes, I benefited from you being gone. It was a win win.

    My H WAS a big drinker as time grew on, and I was done with him closing his ears and mind to my protests. So, I started praying. I prayed God would do ANYTHING to wake ,my H to what he was doing, ticket, accident, lose money, affair. Yes, I said affair, you know why?

    At that time, I believed my H truly loved me, and struggled with alcohol. I believed that if my H had an affair, it would have been a drunk, very drunk accident. I believed he would come crawling back to me. I believed he WOULD NEVER CHEAT.

    There, I said it. I suck.

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      1. Kay- would you like me to set up an email gmail account? I can set it up under mine. I will post the email and pass. Once you’ve changed the password to something only you know, tell me and I will delete our posts.

        Just thinking here….

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  3. Please, join that group. Even just go to read! You will be amazed, just amazed at the information this group has available to you, me, and everyone else! I promise you WILL be blessed!

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  4. I am so very sorry about the loss of your son. As a mother, losing a child is unimaginable. I hope I am not out of line and not seen as insensitive, but from my experiences, I’d like to take a shot at answering your questions.

    Losing a person to death is very painful, but death is something we all have to deal with in our lives. It’s painful, but a fact of life. We grieve in our own ways and though we will never forget, it eventually gets better, or rather bearable.

    Betrayal. It never comes from a stranger. It comes from people we trust with our most valuable possession, our hearts. It can be a family member or friend. That hurts. But when it’s the one we love, the one we trust with our lives, our happiness and our love, they are wounds that cut us to the core. We trust them implicitly, with no question, no doubts. They are the ones we are the most vulnerable to. They’re not dead. We don’t grieve their loss and move on. They are still here, whether or not we reconcile or separate for good, causing us to question why. Why was I not enough? Why was I not worth the respect to just end things if they weren’t happy? Not only did they betray us, but they cause us to question our very lives, our pasts, our futures. Our self-esteem is damaged. Our trust is destroyed. Betrayal not only attacks the love we have for our husbands/boyfriends/wifes/lovers, but threatens the love we have for ourselves.

    Betrayal isn’t just a loss of a person, it’s a loss of ourselves…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh hun I’m so sorry you have lost a child I just cant Imagine!
    I have asked myself this question many times when i was hurting so bad I didn’t think i could go on – i would tell myself I’m weak that this cant be as bad as I’m making it out to be. There has to be worse things that could happen to me. That others must have been through worse and gotten through it.
    Then i find blogs or comments where people have been through what seems like worse and they go on to say that their spouse cheating on them has been the pain they have ever experienced!
    I wish I was close I would take you out for drinks and fun!!! Sending you love and hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, BB, your blogs have been an inspiration to me. You are beautiful, inside and out. The pain, the confusion that affairs bring….. the betrayal itself is paralyzing. I am amazed at the naked, honest pain, that the blogs I’ve read bring. You, Me, Others four-plus years later…. Just Wow! How can we move forward, keep going? Especially being Christian Women, What The Fuck?! Why The Fuck?! I will NEVER understand the whys or hows.

        Think, to these Wayward spouses (es) Think that we, the Betrayed, never had the opportunity to do the same?

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  6. I’m so sorry about your son!

    What exactly did you catch your husband doing. What started the suspicions? It’s a hard question but I think we do have much in common.

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    1. I do think we have much in common too. I will write you more tonight, I’m off to an appt. Sheesh, seriously I’ve done nothing today at work. Read blogs all day. Good thing it’s my company, well H too, but what does he matter…. LOL

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      1. Waiting for H to head to bed and I will write. I want to encourage you to join that site, even just read. I love the people here and have read some inspiring stories.

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