Category: Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

stay behind.

He awoke Sunday morning to find me on the couch. As he sleepily stumbled out from the bed, in search of coffee he asked half confused what I was doing on the couch.

I did NOT make the quiet, calm and in control speech that I had planned and rehearsed for five hours, beginning at 12:30 am.

Saturday, the day before I could feel the tension building (in him) he was beginning to pace around the house a bit, looking out the window from the back of our home. If you get the right window, the right view, you can see the home of the woman I’ve accused him of cheating with, oh yeah sorry, and her husband.

It’s the strangest thing, I could hear him thinking, trying to talk himself out of it, trying to convince himself to stay home. By now I know the schedule of this newly married couple and her husband was due to leave in just about twenty minutes or so. It was 2:18pm. Yes, of course, I remember.

I was pretending to re-arrange dishes in the cabinet as I watched him. He peeked to the back of the house, again. Stood. Stared, looking nowhere with his back to the floor to ceiling window. Took a deep breath and went downstairs.

I’ve mentioned before that this house has three floors not including the basement. He could easily leave the house and I would not know. Hell, I could easily leave the house and he would not know. And I did, to check to be sure her husband was or wasn’t there.

He was the first time and by the time I noticed H missing, he was not.

My H returned about 45 minutes later, smiling. Happy.

I said NOTHING. I pretended to not even noticed he was gone.

I would think any meetup between my H and her is purely sexual. I think they get a kick out of each other, each blowing up the other’s ego.

So, the next morning when my H came stumbling out of the bedroom, after him asking what was wrong, after four hours of rehearsing and mentally rewriting my speech to my H, one that made me sound resolute and in control, I yelled:” I’m not going home with you.”

“What?!”

“I am NOT leaving, I am not coming home with you. I need space, time to myself, I’m tired of your lies, you are sneaking around. I am NOT leaving. I will have one of the girls pick me up when I’m ready to leave. I am staying.

He was pissed.

I was feeling like a million bucks.

I will continue tomorrow to tell you how everything went.

xoxo

Pretty sure I have what I need. As of tomorrow, I might be a liberated- free and single woman. Wish me luck and send me prayers

• I  am leaving him. Got what I needed, this poor MF is down for the count. Will post in a few.

Yes- Yes, I think know feel as if he is feeding me lines. He thinks he knows me, this insecure frail woman. He Is Wrong.

I am hoping praying that I will remain strong. That I will remain as if I am naive.. aka a dumb ass.

When I Imagine that he and she/they laughed at me, I receive a great desire, I mean insanely intense desire, to find details and display them everywhere and in every way I am able.

So, Dear Friends, as I pray for the great reveal, I ask that you begin taking notes and ideas of how I can embarrass the hell out of him and anyone else involved.

 

Suggestions? Please, do tell.

.. and I am nervous, scared, uptight and, well, uptight.

I want to love it at our vacation home like I once did, but there is something that taints the feeling.

My H, he is all over me, loving me, telling me how beautiful I am.

I have a sister; she is serious, drop dead gorgeous. She ALWAYS has been. She is the woman who makes hardly an effort makeup wise, has worked out every single day since high school,  blonde, boobs, tiny waist, nice rear and the works. (Yes, friends, she has children.) Mostly she has a heart of gold.This sister, she is the only person in this world that I can reveal a deep, dark, secret to and I will know for a fact she will NOT reveal it, EVER.

 

BTW- I will repeat: YES, she has children.

She turns heads everywhere she goes. ALWAYS. We all know that beautiful women are often hated on by other women. We will make excuses for he (striking woman)  to be hated. For instance, I will name all the surgeries, fillers and so forth “she”  must have had in order to be so striking. Surely, she hasn’t come by “it” naturally.

All throughout high school, my sister was immediately hated by the other girls because they assumed she was “stuck-up” as was said in my day. When I dated guys, they would ask “you’re HER sister, really?”

Anyway, remember the wedding I spoke of earlier? My H tonight, and last night, the night before and the night before said to me: “YOU, You are the beautiful one, it’s you, at the wedding….. Oh, my— you were stunning. You Looked way better than ……. your sisters, waaaaay.  YOU looked soooo hot.

I’m not mentioning this to brag, or, whatever you might be thinking. I share this because as of late, this is how my H has been treating me. Telling me me what a wonder I am, beautiful, in shape, just.so.hot.

As my H says. OH.MY.

Tonight, he spoke of how much I’ve been working out, how he feels the need to catch up with me. He claims, “you’ve always been hot, I married you for your ass, but, when you work-out, your attitude changes, it shows in your self-esteem.”

We’ve read that right? Working out improves the mood. It’s true; I’ve been feeling great emotionally and physically since hitting the gym.

Yet, for some reason, because I no longer trust him, I am assuming he is feeding me lines so that he can slip away with one of the girls.

I so wish he would spill the truth, that way he would understand the reasons, many reasons, why I wonder every time he leaves my presence be it work or the house, I wonder ….. is he leaving to text, meet or have wild sex with whoever the flavor is this timee

I wish I could turn my brain off. Most of me think at this time it is him and me only. He is remorseful, wants only me, only me.

Then again, In the back of my mind, that small percent, I think he is trying to throw me off track.

My entire point of this point….. I am scared S**tless that he is planning a rendezvous with his skanky lover named Sleeza or his larger lover named Whorie.

 

Any guesses?

Be well my friends,

 

xoxo

 

I am a Christian. Sometimes I get off track, I admit, however, when it comes “down to it  “I will NEVER, ever, leave or deny my Creator, Maker, my Hope, and my Strength.” The ONLY reason I KNOW that I can continue. The ONLY reason that I know I can be OKAY, even if I might never see the ending of this vicious circle. Okay, in the way that I might see what happens to HIM, because he is trying to make me believe I’m crazy.

Anyhow, Thank You, friend, who grows concerned about me, when I make those crazy posts. I hope you know who you are. I hope you know how much I appreciate you.

 

Be well

Today, April 21, 2018, my niece married in a very, small wedding ceremony, with a larger reception. Get this: She didn’t want the wedding ordeal or reception for that matter, but her husband did. Just thought that was an intriguing piece of information.

The Officiator of the wedding made it seem as if pledging their love to one another was not a common occurrence. When he spoke of the seriousness of the vows, the pledge this young couple would make to one another.; he kept it very personal, despite the familiar scripture reference (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8) used for Weddings, the beautifully worded advice, seemed fresh and new this day. Even though the scriptures were read during my wedding, Twenty Five years ago, this year; Standing, listening, watching, smack in the beautiful middle vineyards of the Napa Valley.

 

 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

 Love never fails.

He spoke of staying true, staying pure, staying honorable, reputable. It was the oddest feeling when he spoke of “staying true” I could almost hear my H quit breathing, but then again, maybe it was me. He repeated the point, by then, I could sense that half or more of the twenty or so present, quit breathing. But, who am I to guess.

At the end of his Seven minute joining together He said this: ” If you can do this, I  guarantee you, okay, money back guarantee. If you can, every day, be patient, every day, be kind, you will be together, until death you do part. Let me say, NOT kind when you feel like it, NOT patient when you feel like it, but every.single.day. You do these things, and it will cover your marriage days.”

I thought, just wow. Because be patient; being patient will halt the arguments. Being kind will halt the selfishness. Halting selfishness – well, more than likely will halt infidelity: flirting, cheating, looking for more, of what, I do not know. I would imagine that halting selfishness will keep the WS from seeking ego kibbles from others.

But, what do I know?

 

 

 

 

 

 

1.  I do NOT sulk around the house or him, he has no idea I write. As far as he is concerned he knows that I know he cheated even though he continues to deny. He knows I’ve called, texted, emailed every single one of the suspects of his object of desire. We’ve not spoken of any of the attempts to contact “them”, but he know’s I’m crazy ass pissed, he is frightened. So that makes him nervous, this crazy ass wife. I’m a nice Christian girl, if I say “shit” , it knocks him off his feet.

That’s all changed, thanks to him.

2.  I’m not stuffy, if you swear, drink or whatever I don’t care, it’s just that I would rather not drink, small impressionable girls and all.

 

The girls are older now.

 

There was a time when I could honestly say I don’t drink. It wasn’t because I didn’t approve but because alcohol made me tired, hell, exhausted. A few sips of red wine and I was yawning the night away. Until….. I discovered tequila. Yum and, wow.

So now, it’s who I am… unfortunately I’ve become a drunk. I come home from work, wait a proper amount of time, pour a shot, I then make a margarita and indulge. I’ve gone from drinking once every year or so to nightly.

This would be the reason for my long, humiliating posts.  Where, like a high-schooler trying to impress the upperclassman, I eff bomb every other word to my H objects of lust and affection.

When the sun rises the next day, I slink to my laptop to see what embarrassing post I’ve made. Sometimes I leave it, most times I delete.

I once belonged to a forum years ago that had a rule, posted at the top of the forum: ABSOLUTELY NO DRINKING AND POSTING. A half-joking rule was written for a man by the pen name: “Standingnow”  He would write long rambling responses, mostly with the hope of trigger a bar fight, AKA as trolls.

 

So now, I think I might need to adhere to the rule No drinking and posting. Because, for now, I’m not giving up the booze. I made it booze free for 53 years, why not give myself a year … or so.