Category: Life and Marriage- Do I stay or Do I leave/

Well, my Dear,

Apparently, you believe I am dumb, none for the worse, believe a good and wild fuck equals a wife who believes everything you say and every move you make will belong to the truth. The truth is…. yeah, I am a coward, NO , I am OCD, need concrete proof, but it IS coming.  April.  Wait.

 

.

 

 

Please, may I have an ending to this hell, this humiliation and hell filled embarrassment. May I please, yes please, have result, ending, exposure along with some, some, some some  information, concrete proof of what my “husband” is doing on his short, little jaunts, to the market. PLEASE?!

I am a middle child. Look that one up. The second of Three girls, the one who will do ANYTHING to keep the peace. That is why my beloved H, who loves me so, very, dearly, who makes sure his sweet, darling wife has “it all”, and is taken care of, so taken care of that she wants for nothing, is safe, comfortable and warm.

I know he loves me, he truly does care, he feels for me and know’s every single insecurity, he knows every single pain I feel, BUT this poor “man” has no idea HOW to love, care or care for. He wants to, but can’t, because he has no id  ea HOW.

So, while being cheated on and lied to, this middle child feels sorry FOR, this man who has no idea how to love.

Wow – Just Wow.  Think: my great grandchildren will have this history to think back on and know, they will know that all this money, all these material things, came from a couple.  A couple who started off their marriage pregnant, only to lose that child they married for, in a stillborn death. Only to take on a blood child at 14 and her dear friend,  an abandoned  14-year-old girl, to try and give these two, young women the love they, themselves, did not have.

Only to be “abandoned” 2 years later by these two, young girls, who ran because of the rules.

This woman, this 53-year old woman, who is currently raising two, amazing young women who ARE her children, while being betrayed by her H and the “others”, remain as faithful as possible, to who/what? As possible? Just Faithful. Never have I or would I humiliate him.

I don’t know.

I’m just thankful, that in IT all, I am a Christian, a daughter of the one and only Creator, I am She, who tries to make sense of it all, make sense of all the betrayal from past, present and more than likely, the future.

She, Me, I, will always RUN back to my Creator, because He, The Creator Alone, will always be my Rock, My Comfort, My Hiding Place. He, The Creator, will Always be my God, My Hope, My Desire.

So,  readers, while once in a while I spout my foul-mouthed language, please know, I truly do have Hope, there are just days I need to spew, spew my anger, fear, and my confusion because I have yet to be rescued. Rescued from humiliation. Don’t worry, Creator, My Lord, He knows what I mean.

Until then…. I Go to the Rock

 

xoxo

I just want to say that I’m sure you “love” me, as much as you can. There is this part of me that feels sorry for you. I know you‘ve been raised, as the rest of your siblings have been raised, that you are important, you deserve what you desire.  In some ways, it’s sad because you, as in all four of you believe those words.  I’ve come to understand that all four of you, struggle with letting go of those beliefs.  All four of you know in your heart it’s selfish, but all four of you can’t let go. You can’t let go of the thought and belief that you, all four of you, are NOT the most important being in your relationships.

However, I am finished with my part in this relationship, that is, a doormat.

You, on your own, asked for a polygraph. You, on your own, believed (in my thought) there was no such thing as or believed I would sigh a breath of relief.  Surely, if he offers such a crazy thing, he must be telling the truth. However, little do you know, there is such a thing, and a support group I belong, suggests just that… a polygraph.

Little, very little, do you know, that this weak ass, is a strong ass, and she, that is me, is prepared. Very prepared.

For what? Your game(s).

So, my love, my dear, my once desire and hope, you, must now know that it, is over, it, the game you hoped I was playing with you, has come to its end.  Strange, I feel it. I feel your desperate search for the continuance.

 

Somebody asked me, “why would he search FB for her if they are together?” My thought was you were just checking her out like I do my daughters, friends, and family.  I now see that she has cut you off, probably because of my crazy antics…. something you can’t confront me on, but we both know. I’ve now come to realize I put the fear in her, causing her to cut.you.off. SMH, poor you, poor, poor, you.

BUT I know now, I think I’ve figured you and her out. She won’t be able to resist you, or you, her. This weekend, the both of you will NOT be able to resist. You and she will meet up one last time, and if I have my way, it will be one last time, because, I finally will have proof of you and her, pictures and video, and you and her will have the time you desire, at least you will, because I will be living with  myself, peacefully, finally and well, thanks to you, because, unfortunate to you,  I will be living quite comfortably.

I’m sorry, I know you love me, but not enough to stay strong.

Since I believe she cut you off, for now, once the both of you have your one last time, she will go running back to her newly married H, and you will go running back to your dream home, alone,by yourself, because I will finally have left you.

 

 

He searched for her again, God, he is a dumb ass. Actually, God, I’m a dumb ass.

Or, He is going to think I’m a dumb ass.

 

Hired a PI. One that is willing to go away for the weekend where our lovely, vacation home is. One that is willing to be on call, to wait for my call, yes, for one hour, as is in the hour they meet up for.

 

This is it, folks. If you’re the praying kind, say those prayers. I soon could be a free woman. Free of the pain and humiliation this man brings to me, or I allow for him to bring to me.

Well, well, well, I guess what “they,” Leading Experts say just might be true  is true; exercise DOES indeed, lift the spirit, give a boost of energy, makes you feel darn good. At least, that is how I am feeling today. (Smile)

Nearly a month ago my husband came home with a paper in hand, to announce that the gym he visits, on an occasional/ regular basis. AKA : go like mad for 10 – 12 weeks; too busy 10 – 12 weeks, go like mad…. you know what I mean, and, according to this article, these statistics are either not so bad or normal.  Telling my H he is “normal” ehhhh that would not go over very well. Anyway, this paper had exciting news! Boot camp for family members and friends could now be in session! Yahoo!

I’ve been saying gym and it is not a gym, I should clarify. It is truly a Boot Camp, it’s the newest thing these days. Well, for a few years now, it’s been the newest thing. We: daughters and I decided we were up for the challenge. Let’s do this!

We attended the orientation the First week of January, got measured and body fat taken (Yikes) I’ve pretty much stayed an active person, nothing bad azz, just 35 min or so of weights. I’m 50ish so Doctors tell me that’s a great choice, I just H-A-T-E cardio, I mean I HATE. so I knew it was going to be an “ahem” buster for me. I could stand to lose Five pounds and gaining muscle would be my goal, losing body fat—- a darn must.

The challenge is for six weeks, in the beginning, I kept reminding myself that I can do anything for six weeks, including, waking at 4 am to meet up with the family at the Total Transformation Center for a 30-minute work-out weekdays and one hour on Saturday.

The food portion consists of lean proteins and veggies and for me, because of my body fat range (okay okay it’s 30% at this time) I have two days that for 45 minutes, I can eat whatever I want. I do not have a choice to skip these days, it is a must. I so far have lost 4% body-fat.. yahoo and, five pounds.

In addition to these amazing changes, I do not dread hearing the alarm go off at four. In fact, I like getting this workout done and able to carry on with my day. Otherwise, having to work out at the end of my workday caused stress, and I would need to cut it short, often, because I needed to either start dinner or buy ingredients for dinner. Now, meals are prepped, usually, Sunday with a family Costco run on Saturday or Sunday, after church. Since one daughter lives about twenty minutes away, across town and the other we rarely see, this has been a really fun, bonding time.

Thankfully, for today, my dear friend/reader here, who gives great words of wisdom,

has helped me to look “there” instead of “here” 😀

If I allow myself to leave my H in the hands of God, I will do much better. My focus, for today, that one day at a time thingy, My focus for today is my relationship with my God, Creator, and healing my heart and body from the past three – four years of abuse I’ve put them through.

Be well, all

 

xoxo

Dear You,

 

I am sorry, I am sorry I allowed you to feel comfortable in your lies. I have come to find (a long time ago, really) that you, all of your life have been covered, taken care of, given permission, to … not be true.

You know all those things you say about NFL, NBA, MLB players… they are catered to, made to look as if they do no wrong, thus, covering their ass(es) giving them goods, things, and money so that they (the buyers) will succeed, be chosen.

 

Well, I now have come to understand this ^^^^^^ this statement above^^^^^^, spoken so many times by you, IS you.

 

I’m sorry.

 

Because, here you are, at your age, living life as if rules don’t matter to you because, well they just don’t.  You, yes YOU have lived your life convincing people and yourself that you are some sort of freak of nature that does not lie, cheat, still, AND, you are this magnificent freak of nature that somehow always comes out AHEAD.

 

We’ve been married 25 years, together 28, and for the first time, two years ago, I heard “THE story.”

You were in High School, apparently, some big star football player, of course, oh-so-popular…. Parents, out of town, party, your house. I’m not sure what you did at this party but it involved many cheerleaders and a huge mess. Because, whatever happened, you were off the team, for the rest of the year. AND, in addition/because of; something with your parents, who obviously you didn’t seem to have too much respect transpired. Obviously, Daddy was a proud Pop, pretending to discipline, while Mom, the bad guy, insisted on some sort of punishment, until:

“the ENTIRE football team” decided to take the blame, you, Mr. Football hero, you were off the hook. I don’t know what the incident was that took place, but I know that for some reason, the pattern has followed, Mommy forgives, Daddy Gloats, and you, you.are.forgiven.

Everyone and anyone seem to cover your ass. Including me, until now.

I received an email from somebody calling me a whiner. WTF, I AM NOT a whiner, am I? It is NOT meant to be the meaning of my posts. I am just trying to be real, honest, pure, natural, real, in my post. If you think my posts are me, being a whiner, try climbing into my thoughts.

Let me tell you, “anonymous” emailer, I am the strongest person, physically and mentally you will ever meet. So…. So,…… uh, eff you! Yeah, eff you. ( Says this Christian woman. LOL)

You see, “anonymous” emailer, I’ve been through much more than any person reading this would ever imagine. EVER.

I, yes, me, am physically and emotionally beaten. You see, “anonymous” emailer, I began my life with migraines, physically suffering at a time in life when the physical illness was blamed on upbringing, AKA ” Your daughter is a middle child, she is searching for attention.” Imagine, three or four years of age and suffering migraines. Only later to learn that there be a PHYSICAL explanation for having migraines at an age of four, okay even three years of age.

So, because of this physical ailment, suffering such indescribable pain, not only for that age but for the present age, being passed off as attention seeking,  this chickie has grown emotionally, physically strong. Stronger than any reader or friend, family member, could ever imagine being; this author, has, unfortunately, grown so used to physical and emotional pain, that she has no idea, NONE… again, NO IDEA…. when real pain is in existence.

So, “anonymous” writer, emailer, before you go calling names and judging, either move on to another blog, one in which you will identify or understand, THINK,  Think before name calling, judging, or blaming. If, that is if, you truly were some sort of psychology major, you would know better, you would know behind every Betrayed Spouse, or Wayward Spouse, there is more than just attention seeking posters.

Here it is, and here am I, looking as if I am crazy, but truly, I am NOT. My H and his lover(s) have, as usual, made it look as if the one who is being cheated on, the “innocent” to be the crazy one, isn’t it so typical?

I have read the stories and watched the “stories” as well, the innocent, they always come across as crazy and off the mark.

Later, maybe years later the innocent, the BS, or the “victim” is finally shown to be true, right, correct. Suddenly then, many want to stand up, get in the game and say that they too, were a part victim.

 

Eff you, victim(s).

 

I just re-read the text back to me, the “poor, low self-esteemed woman” whose H treated her like sh*t. LOL. The woman whose H abused her so. The OW who happened to be able to convince her friends and family that a crazy woman was accusing her of dreadful things. The text I received made me sick. Very Ill.

As she claimed her innocence, I understood that I should NOT have texted she or her BS. But it was not about convincing her spouse what she was up to. It was NOT about bullying her or begging her to “leave my man alone”. No. It was and IS about letting everyone involved that I KNOW. I KNOW what they are doing.

I fear to look or appear, whatever the grammatically correct saying be,  dumb/naive or TRUSTING, to people that do NOT deserve the trust of this young/old woman.

 

I KNOW. I KNOW every time you have an excuse to disappear from my presence, you are leaving to pick up or send off a text.

 

WHY- WHY – WHY- many texts ask…. WHY are you sticking around with this person.

 

Many reasons.  One being:

 

I have no effing idea why. I want concrete proof. so that I can feel rewarded.  “See I told you” reward.

 

And

$$$$$$$$$$$   The longer together the more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

And

I am weak, ball-less.

 

And

 

I have no effing Idea.

 

However, in the long run. You both know I know. I want you to be very sure that I know, I am not a dumb ass.  I know- I know- I know.

And, OUR, yes you, me and she, them, her, them and she…… creator, KNOWS. HE is very aware.

 

Enjoy that afterlife.

For the time that I’ve been gaslighted regarding My “crazy thought” and My H having an affair, every single piece of  ahh Ha! evidence I come across can always have a possible explanation. Even though everyone involved is aware this could be “it”. Not this time.

Last night H needed to find a family member on FB to get information for a death, in need of memorial information. He made a big stink about having no idea how to find her and asked me to explain how to search. Unbeknownst to him, this is a red flag for me, it’s really him asking if I know how, he knows but is concerned whether or not I do.

 

After he went off to  bed  I checked his searches in FB and there it was. Lover name, not once but four times Thursday and Five times Friday, searched. The dumb ass didn’t even try spelling her name differently, he just kept typing her name.

He was asleep and I was blown away, finally, the evidence. We officially don’t even know these people, so it’s not as if he was searching for a mutual friend.

 

I took a screenshot, tried to write out a text to her for about an hour and then just went ahead, wrote an extremely long and rambling text to her. I didn’t use my real number, of course, I sent from a spoofed number. I am a coward, no balls, remember?

Well, that is exactly what I got back in text from both her and her husband. They wrote how they felt sorry for me, they thought I was on drugs but realized I needed help. They felt bad that I was some poor woman with no self-esteem and should seek counsel to get out of such a terrible relationship.  Each sending their text separately.

 

She told me that I should get out of my shitty relationship with a man who apparently had no respect for me, that surely I would believe I deserve4 better. She wrote her address told me that even tho she has no idea who I am, she would be willing to help me and that If I sent her my H phone number she would be willing to speak with him as well.

 

Whats that saying , Fuck my life?  Wow, takes my H lover, who is lying about being his lover to wake me to realize I have a poor self-esteem and in a shitty relationship.

 

I slept on the couch last night. I have not spoken to H he left for work early this morning. Surely H knows by now. I am not sure when or how, but I’ve got to do something. It’s going to be a challenge to figure out how to work. Beleive it or not, I have to stay through tomorrow for a stupid ass baby shower. Very long story why I can’t miss. I will say it has a lot to do with the fact I have no balls or courage in that area as well.

Thinking to go to work Monday to collect all the work I can, get the banking done. I will also need to fill some prescriptions. I’m fairly sure I will go to the vacation home to work from there; yes the home his GF and New husband live directly behind (ours).

I don’t know what I expected, it surely wasn’t sarcastic sympathy and disgust. I have no idea who the hell I am.